Mutant Pizza

PANEL ONE
Cat gawks at their phone under the tree.

CAT:
Oh, these new skins are siiiiiiiiiiiii-

PANEL TWO
Dog sits under the tree.

DOG:
Yeah, I’ve been meaning to talk…to you…

CAT (CONT, OFF PANEL):
-iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-

PANEL THREE
Dog looks perturbed.

CAT (CONT, OFF PANEL):
-iiiiiiiiiick.

DOG:
…about that.

PANEL FOUR
Dog looks down at their foreign and new paws.

DOG:
Not that I don’t enjoy your constant coopting of our shared reality to force aesthetics on me without my consent–

CAT (OFF PANEL):
Yeah, they’re sick! Good talk. Conversation over.

DOG:
–Buuuuuut.

PANEL FIVE
Now it’s Cat who appears perturbed. The perturber has become the perturbee! (They’re words, shut up. Yes, I know I told you to shut up for mentally pointing out a word I made up in the last comic, which I didn’t make up by the way, tis a word, m’human, quieteth yonder mouth. I don’t know why I went Olde English there, but I did. Anyway, my point is this: shut up.)

CAT:
<sigh> But what?

PANEL SIX
Dog’s eyes are spirals of madness.

DOG:
When will this ever-shifting nightmare end?!

PANEL SEVEN
A lamp breaks across a mirror, a shocked Dog reflected in the surviving shards.

DOG (OUT OF PANEL):
I threw a lamp at my mirror last night because I didn’t recognize myself. I thought someone broke into my house!

PANEL EIGHT
Cat is looking smuuuuuug. No, not just smug, she’s looking capital S Smug. Proper adjective Smug. Proper adjectives shouldn’t exist but this one had to be formed due to the sheer concentration of Smugness — captial S — on display here. Hands in pockets, if she had pockets, Smug. Shrugging the collected Smug off the Smug shoulders, type of Smug. Smugness level over 9000 Smug. Dense, covalently bonded at the atomic level kinda Smug. I’m talking Smuuuuug, my friends.

CAT:
Honestly, breaking all of the mirrors in your house is probably for the best. Also, that lamp was terrible. You did yourself a favor there. Really killed two fugly birds with one stone.

DOG (OFF PANEL):
That was uncalled for and doesn’t answer my question.

PANEL NINE
Dog, back against the tree, wears a face of confusion.

CAT (OFF PANEL):
Look, the truth is that the guy who draws us is beating the ‘gamer cat loves cosmetics’ joke into the ground.

DOG:
Uh…what?

PANEL TEN
Cat points a paw at you, the reader. But really at me, the illustrator, who also read the comic. Well, skimmed it. I got the gist of it, really.

CAT:
I know! It’s a flimsy excuse to cover up the fact that this guy hasn’t solidified a style to illustrate us. It’s pathetic.

CAT (CONT):
You hear me, guy! Pathetic!

PANEL ELEVEN
Cat is threatened by a giant pencil eraser coming from the sky.

CAT:
Threatening to erase your creations for defying you like some immature 2D god creature?! That’s so overdone, you might as well put me out of my misery. Go on, erase me or get some new material!

PANEL TWELVE
Dog, head in paw, sits against the other side of the tree. Cat points at him.

CAT:
No, wait! I’m too pretty to die, take him instead!

DOG:
I need new friends.

THE END.